Saturday, May 21, 2011

Shirley Valentine- Good movie

"I've fallen in love with the idea of living. Because we don't do what we want to do, do we? We do what we have to do and pretend that it's what we want to do. 

And what I want is to stay here and be Shirley Valentine. "

"I've led such a little life. And even that will be over pretty soon. 
I have allowed myself to lead this little life, when inside me there was so much more. And it's all gone unused. And now it never will be. 
Why do we get all this life if we don't ever use it? Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them? That's where Shirley Valentine disappeared to. She got lost in all this unused life."

Saturday, January 01, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 1/1/11 pretty cool, eh?

I'll make this short...

I have two resolutions:

1. Make it through my courses in one piece and preferably passing too.

2. Begin writing reviews of all these books I have begun to accumulate (YEA!) to my right. No, I said to 'my' right.... yes, yes. The pile over there on the floor running along my bed and wall. 

So there it is. Good luck to us all this Year of the Metal Rabbit. Reminds me of The Dark Tower. Metal Rabbit....

Love, light and prosperity to you and yours!!!

Let's kick 2011's butt!!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

All About Me in 30 Days. Days 8-11

As badly as I want to do these, as I said before... I have no idea how to put a photo into my blog... YET!

Day 8 – a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 – a photo you took
Day 10 – a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 – a photo of you recently

I know I have only two followers but anyone know how to tell me to do this? Anyone? (((crickets))) Yeah, that's what I figured!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

All About Me In 30 Days: A Photo That Makes You Happy (Day 7)

I have no idea how to add a picture here... gonna have to get back to this one!!

All About Me in 30 Days: 20 of My Favorite Things (Day 6)

1. My books
2. Bed
3. My kids when they are happy (and when they are not)
4. Keno
5. Coffee
6. Dreams
7. TV
8. Cereal at night
9. Talking to Trish
10. Paul when he is happy
11. Driving really really fast
12. Sport bikes
13. TOFU from Pick Up Stix
14. Warm hands
15. The smell of soap
16. Money (That would be HAVING money, so sue me)
17. Payday (wish I had one of those these days)
18. MUSIC especially old punk and 80's!
19. Feeling beautiful

All About Me in 30 Days: My Favorite Quote (Day 5)

A favorite quote: People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa

Monday, October 11, 2010

All About Me In 30 Days- Day 4

Day 4 – your favorite book:
EASY!!! The Gunslinger. If you haven't read Stephen Kings Dark Tower series you really should. These are characters you fall in love with. People you take with you. Rare beings. AMAZING!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

All About Me in 30 Days: My Favorite Television Program (Day

Again, EASY!! Now I love LOVE TV... so sue me. I don't care that is politically incorrect to love it either!! I DO!!! So my answer to today's question is... ROSEANNE. Yes, THAT Roseanne. I love this family. I love the dynamics and the struggle. I 'get' the sarcasm. I thrive on the sarcasm. I just really relate. Relating is that 'thing' I am always searching for in my life. So there you go.

All About Me in 30 Days: My Favorite Movie (Day 2)

This one is EASY... SPANGLISH!! I love the roller coaster of emotions this movie depicts!! LOVE IT!!!

All About Me in 30 (well 27) Days!!

Since I am starting this on day 3 I will be catching up on this here blog. LOL! I am always trying to catch up it seems. So here it goes...

It’s Day 1 of the All About Me in 30 Days meme. Today’s topic is my favorite song.
This is a hard one for me. I love so many songs from so many decades and artists for so many reasons... LOL! BUT, if I must put down just one song it will have to be, Come And Get Your Love by Redbone. It's an oldie but it makes me smile every time I hear it!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cruel Enchantment | Anya Bast

Cruel Enchantment | Anya Bast: "She’d taken his soul apart the day she’d killed Aileen and he’d never been able to put it completely back together again."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Shhhhh,don't tell anyone....

Today has been one of those days where at the end of it... I just want to die.
It starts out with my mother and her friend making noise all night. Slumber party, girly annoying loud noise. On top of this this friend hates me. So I have a woman in my home who hates me keeping the entire house awake all night.
Then I wake and before I even get a chance to start the coffee maker my mom walks in with "her" and all this crap they bought at Wal-Mart. They do that. Middle of the night runs to Wal-Mart. Anyway,I was in NO mood to speak to anyone so I went back in my room and hide for a few hours. Then I go get the mail and there is paperwork from the courts from Capital One. Lovely. P calls to tell me the Payroll girl "forgot" to DO payroll and his check will be late. So I go for a run on the treadmill that I haven't had access to in almost two years (My mom told P he could put it in the other living room so he did it yesterday) and when I am done my mom proceeds to tell me she wants to put a couch in there or she wants a reduction on her share of rent (which she knows we can't afford). It's as if to see me do something that brings me some peace and is healthy for me is just too much for her. As if all this is not enough, P comes home and yells at me for telling him the treadmill story. Then a few hours later I go in the bathroom and use it (lol) and when I flush a bottle of skin stuff falls off the shelf and proceeds to go down the toilette drain. P gets madder at me and we go to Wal-Mart to get parts to take the toilette apart. In Wal-Mart he gets all depressed and angry and talks how HIS life sucks (he should walk in my shoes for a few days)and he wants to die. P has tried to kill himself twice. So imagine THIS new pile of anxiety to carry. Now there is just 1 more hour left of this hideous day. Please let it be pain free. I can not take anymore today.
With all this my EDD Disability ends in two weeks and I have to use half of the last check to pay to see the Dr in the hope that she will continue my disability (which I really need because quite frankly... I am sick). My appeal to EDD from my unemployment case is Thursday, P's tags are due, mine are almost due, both cars need smogs, Ryann's 18Th birthday is in a week and I am flat friggen broke. All my bankruptcy money is gone again and the tunnel just gets darker and darker my friend. I have investigated every possible way to get therapy for free or low cost including churches (THIS is a true testament to my need and my willingness to get help)and well, there is no help anymore. No funding for mental health in California. Nada. Nothing. When the Catholic church turns you away you know shit is BAD.
So there it is my pretties. Why I kinda want to die. Feels good to get it all out and not get yelled at.
Sleep tight. <3

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


For the time being the relationship is back on. Time will tell what exactly that equates too.

I wish I was a super hero. Do any of you ever just want to feel really empowered? I do. I want to feel how amazing that feeling is and then I want to run with it and take it as far as I can!
Now WHERE DO I FIND IT? Any suggestions?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

12 years is a really long time...

So the bf and I have been together just short of 12 years and as of today we are calling it quits. I know it is a good thing for us both but seriously, it's scary to come to the realization that I have to sell everything I own because a. I am broke and b. I will be sleeping on a friends floor for who knows how long and c. My kids are going to be really far away from me. It's c. that kills me. At the moment I still haven't figured out where my son will end up. And then there are the cats. I didn't know the ex planned to quit his job asap and move to Texas so suddenly I have to find a place for 3 cats too. As usual though I will be left having to do all the dirty work. Not shocking but really a difficult task amongst all the other ones I already had on my list. As it is I am already on stress disability through EDD and now all this. OMG I am going to miss my kids.
OMG. I think I am going to go have a mini break down. BBL....

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Your result for The Chakra Test...

The Leader

You have scored 94% Purpose - Your dominant Chakra is the "Solar Plexus (Navel) or Yellow Chakra"

The "Solar Plexus (Navel) or Yellow Chakra" is where the energy for your self esteem and individuality originates from. It is located in the stomach area. And this is the chakra which is most developed in you at this time.

When the Solar Plexus Chakra is open, you find yourself in control, confident, with a sense of purpose and self esteem

Depending on your percentage score, there is always more room for development. When this chakra is under-active, you may become timid, passive and indecisive and don't end up getting what you want. If over-active and out of balance with your other chakras, you may tend to become domineering and even aggressive.

What is most important is to find balance amongst all 7 chakras. Have a look at what percentages you scored on the others and work to increase their power and balance with each other.

Root Chakra: 35% Passion, Sacral(Spleen) Chakra: 65% Desire, Solar Plexus (Navel) Chakra: 94% Purpose, Heart Chakra: 89% Balance, Throat Chakra: 0% Expression, Third Eye Chakra: 53% Imagination and Crown Chakra: 65% Spirituality!

"Solar Plexus" Key Words: Personal Power, Will, Knowledge, Wit, Laughter, Mental Clarity, Humor, Optimism, Self-Control, Curiosity, Awareness

"Solar Plexus" Attributes: Color - Yellow Sense - Sight Element - Fire Seat - Subconscious emotion, ego, will

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback!

Take The Chakra Test at OkCupid

Monday, May 03, 2010

God (Bane)

God Bless.... why do these words always cause my body and being to have the same reaction... it's like someone has run their nails down the chalk board or that really high pitch sound you get when you turn something that is metal and lacking lubrication...or ear splitting shrieks etc....? Whew, that was a long sentence.
I am not a religious person... at all. Nothing organized. Even G.A. (Gamblers Anon.) was a serious FAIL for me because it was organized and involved religion (no matter how strongly they deny it being connected with religion, just a 'Higher Power'... it is. At least to me.) See people, I have no issue with what or who you believe. I actually find faith (true faith that is) a really gorgeous concept. I have been brought to tears by genuine healthy faith I have seen in another BUT that is rare. I have found in my 43 years that people hide behind their 'God'. They use it to be judgmental, cruel, selective, powerful, weak, angry, sad, etc. etc. They make bumper stickers, shirts, hats, buildings, jewelry, lunch boxes, and on and on. I mean religion is suppose to be DEEP, PERSONAL... not a fucking money/excuse machine for everyone to hide behind and or exploit! Like anything beautiful taken out of context and twisted into an ugly tool.... it just makes my skin crawl.
I see children being beaten, thrown out into the street, yelled at and shunned by the very people who are suppose to love them the very deepest, the most unconditionally. All in the name of religion. Of course there are the bombs and the killings and the sexual abuse in the churches of many faiths... but the kids hurt me the deepest. It is the most unforgivable. It is why I don't appreciate your 'God Bless' or your 'I'll pray for you'... I appreciate the thought deeply but please don't. I don't know who you are inside. I don't know that I would want you to be an advocate for me and God if I believed there was one. ITS TOO PERSONAL. It should be that way for everyone. A personal, deep relationship between you and what you believe that is in no way affected by what anyone else does or believes therefore you have no need to push it upon anyone... EVER, FOR ANY REASON, because it is YOURS.

I personally believe in the power of intention. I believe that what others call the power of prayer is really the power of intention. An accumulation of energy being put out their by many at the same moment can move and shift things (IMO).
Many times I feel a deep joy when someone says Bless You because I feel their intention. It's pure and loving. Most times it's not though. It's one of those 'things' people add before they end a conversation or to make people believe they aren't the screwed up wreck that they truly are. Like the word 'like'. I think adults use these religious based sayings like kids use 'like'. They don't even know they are saying it anymore. It doesn't MEAN anything.

Anyway, I am sure I have pissed a few people off but tough shit. I have to look at all your stickers on your car every day. I have to listen to your biased opinions destroy peoples lives every damn day. So deal with it. I have too.

hy·poc·ri·sy   /hɪˈpɒkrəsi/ Show Spelled[hi-pok-ruh-see] Show IPA
–noun, plural -sies.
1. a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
2. a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
3. an act or instance of hypocrisy.
Use hypocrisy in a Sentence
See images of hypocrisy
Search hypocrisy on the Web


1175–1225; ME ipocrisie < OF < LL hypocrisis < Gk hypókrisis play acting, equiv. to hypokrī́ ( nesthai ) to play a part, explain ( hypo- hypo- + krī́nein to distinguish, separate) + -sis -sis; h- (reintroduced in 16th century) < L and Gk

—Related forms
hy·per·hy·poc·ri·sy, noun


Sunday, May 02, 2010

Mothers Day Giveaway!!!

Alexa's Angels are so wonderful they are allowing me to host a giveaway for one of my lucky readers just in time for Mother's Day! The winner will be chosen through and the contest will run from April 12th to April 30th.
What a great gift for you and your mom on Mother's Day!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Reader

O.K. I finished The Reader. As I said earlier, I have seen the movie and I really loved it. The book I found a drier version. Of course the book is the true version without any 'extras' for the execs. but had I not seen the movie and had so many visuals to connect with the book I might not have finished it. Well I would have but probably not for ages. I tend to pick up other books in the process if I am not getting enough oomf from the current read. Actually, I did read another book "Why I Jumped" in the same time frame I was reading The Reader.
Here is's info on it: Review
Oprah Book Club® Selection, February 1999: Originally published in Switzerland, and gracefully translated into English by Carol Brown Janeway, The Reader is a brief tale about sex, love, reading, and shame in postwar Germany. Michael Berg is 15 when he begins a long, obsessive affair with Hanna, an enigmatic older woman. He never learns very much about her, and when she disappears one day, he expects never to see her again. But, to his horror, he does. Hanna is a defendant in a trial related to Germany's Nazi past, and it soon becomes clear that she is guilty of an unspeakable crime. As Michael follows the trial, he struggles with an overwhelming question: What should his generation do with its knowledge of the Holocaust? "We should not believe we can comprehend the incomprehensible, we may not compare the incomparable.... Should we only fall silent in revulsion, shame, and guilt? To what purpose?"
The Reader, which won the Boston Book Review's Fisk Fiction Prize, wrestles with many more demons in its few, remarkably lucid pages. What does it mean to love those people--parents, grandparents, even lovers--who committed the worst atrocities the world has ever known? And is any atonement possible through literature? Schlink's prose is clean and pared down, stripped of unnecessary imagery, dialogue, and excess in any form. What remains is an austerely beautiful narrative of the attempt to breach the gap between Germany's pre- and postwar generations, between the guilty and the innocent, and between words and silence. --R. Ellis

From School Library Journal
YA. Michael Berg, 15, is on his way home from high school in post-World War II Germany when he becomes ill and is befriended by a woman who takes him home. When he recovers from hepatitis many weeks later, he dutifully takes the 40-year-old Hanna flowers in appreciation, and the two become lovers. The relationship, at first purely physical, deepens when Hanna takes an interest in the young man's education, insisting that he study hard and attend classes. Soon, meetings take on a more meaningful routine in which after lovemaking Michael reads aloud from the German classics. There are hints of Hanna's darker side: one inexplicable moment of violence over a minor misunderstanding, and the fact that the boy knows nothing of her life other than that she collects tickets on the streetcar. Content with their arrangement, Michael is only too willing to overlook Hanna's secrets. She leaves the city abruptly and mysteriously, and he does not see her again until, as a law student, he sits in on her case when she is being tried as a Nazi criminal. [...] The theme of good versus evil and the question of moral responsibility are eloquently presented in this spare coming-of-age story that's sure to inspire questions and passionate discussion. —Jackie Gropman, Kings Park Library, Burke, VA
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

I say watch the movie first. The visuals will really compliment the book. This is unusual in my experience but I really believe it will make it all fall into place for the readers. If I had to rate it I would give it 3 out of 5. I don't really like rating another human beings experience though. It seems unfair to rate that which I did not experience.

I'll be back with more reviews soon my BBB Lovelies. Next time I will try to be more informative too. Promise!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Why I Jumped by Tina Zahn

I picked this book up at a discount store for $2 (two dollars I want my to dollars... sorry, that just jumped out).
I am intrigued. This may be a really painful choice to read so although I plan on reading it now and reviewing soon, I may be forced to put it away until my own life has started moving forward more. So here is a tid bit from

Product Description
On July 19, 2004, an amazing story, accompanied by incredible video footage, broke across network and cable news programs. After a high-speed chase to the top of Leo Frigo Memorial Bridge in Green Bay, Wisconsin, a young woman stopped, calmly stepped out of her car, walked to the edge of the bridge--and jumped. State trooper Les Boldt raced over, thrust out his hand, and in a miracle of timing and determination, snagged the woman's wrist as she started the plunge. Other officers ran to his aid, and they pulled the woman to safety while the on-dash police cam captured the action.
From the Inside Flap
Sometimes it takes a miracle to find hope. On July 19, 2004, an amazing story, accompanied by incredible video footage, broke across network and cable news programs. After a high-speed chase to the top of the Tower Drive Bridge (now Leo Frigo Memorial Bridge) in Green Bay, Wisconsin, a young woman stopped, got out of her car, walked to the edge of the bridge--and jumped. State Trooper Les Boldt raced over, thrust out his hand, and in a miracle of timing and determination, snagged the woman's wrist as she started the plunge. Other officers ran to his aid, and they pulled the woman to safety while the on-dash police cam captured the action. That woman on the edge was Tina Zahn, and in Why I Jumped she tells her story for the first time. This gripping book gives us a glimpse of what led to such deep depression that suicide seemed the only answer. From abuse and rejection in her childhood to severe postpartum depression after the birth of her second child, Tina has overcome incredible odds to get where she is today. You won't be able to put down this powerful true story of emotional struggle, dramatic rescue, and a return to hope. Tina Zahn is a wife and mother of two. She has been actively involved in the American Red Cross and the American Diabetes Association and is a former pharmaceutical rep for several major companies. Zahn is currently an instructor for One-to-One Discipleship and a facilitator for a local MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. She lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin, with her husband, Daniel, and their children, Sarah and Noah. Wanda Dyson is an author and a Christian counselor who specializes in helping women recover from depression, anxiety, rejection, and the long-term effects of sexual and physical assault. She lives in Frederick County, Maryland.

Sounds FUN, no??

A Little Book's, No Beauty and a lot of Bane

So I am almost finished with The Reader. Once I am done I will review. On a side note though, I prefer the movie which is really rare for me. I'll expand on this later.

It's early here. A little after 8am but I have been up since 6:45 or so thanks to the bf phone alarm and the total lack of insulation in the walls of this house. I am shocked and amazed at how loud this house is. It's only maybe 10 years old. You would think it would have been built to soften noise but no, everything echo's and travels here. It's horrible! Worse then any of the places I have ever lived (well, maybe living in the car and the oil fields was as and I have lived in some pretty shabby and horrible places. Anyway, it's loud and sleep has been a ridiculous chore. Then yesterday I get the first electric bill... for 11 days... are you ready? Hold on... $99.99. 11 days. The saddest part is we have been NOT using any of the lighting this house has built in because we have been trying to conserve from day one. It seems that the pool motor is old and when it turns on to clean the pool the electric meter starts spinning out of control. It is suppose to run for 6 hours a day and we have only been running it for 3. So... we can not afford to pay a $300+ bills a month for electric. It just can' happen. Since the pool HAS to be cleaned daily or it will begin to get algae the only conclusion I can come to is that we are going to have to move... again. I have only just finished the move out of the old house 2 days ago... and now this. Plus double bills for the next month or two from the old house and this new one... seriously, kill me now.
As if this isn't enough to worry about I have finally received the ticket info for the two tickets the kid and the bf got last month... $800 total and due in a few weeks... AND with the electric bill yesterday I also received one of the cars registration bill which needs a smog and the other cars reg. with smog is going to show any day now... and then there is prom next month, all the other bills and the transfer fees, the dentist Tuesday ($130.00), food, gas, meds with no insurance.... OMG. I could die in thought alone.
My EDD case is in appeals, my EDD disability case is still in process and may be denied and I can't seem to find any work I can do with my physical limitations and the stress effecting me the way it does these days.
Just to clarify, I am not having a pity party. Seriously I am not. I am actually just attempting to spew as much as I can in the hopes that my mind will settle down some once I have. I have no one to talk to or share any of this with. At least no one that isn't affected by it all too. I have no desire to add any stress to anyone else in our home. The bf doesn't even know about the electric bill yet. The money I had for BK filing is almost gone since I have been using it to make ends meet during the move. I think about cutting every day. That annoys me. I can see and feel it. I haven't acted upon it recently. I have been trying to avoid xanax too. I can't find anyone to hang with either. Maybe I should tattoo PATHETIC on my forehead? LOL... This all just sounds so out of control and I am lost in a sea of what ifs and what do I do's(?). And I live with my Mom for hell's sake! If you know me and you have met my mom then you know how wrong this is... we are truly FIRE (Aries, me) and WATER (Pisces, her) and is obvious every day.
So... if you have any suggestions feel free but please, I beg of you, DO NOT TELL ME That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger or ANY of this type of 'help'. I've heard and said it. I am looking for tangible options.

Love you my BBB Lovelies!!!

Wish me luck on my tidal wave of issues!!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Heavy is the heart that bleeds when remembering just how far it has gone for others yet no one will take a step for it. Do I have regrets. Hell yes I do. It would be impossible for me to look back and not regret putting myself so far out for people that just don't care. They care but no more then a stranger might care. There is no shoulder to lean on or hand to hold or ear to listen. I suppose I believe that a sacrifice for another says something and that in doing that you might be able to rely on them understanding that you too might need them to make a sacrifice for you. Doing things we don't want to do for people we love or care for shouldn't hurt so much. I have found that most of the time it does hurt though. I suppose I am choosing WHO I do things for wrong. Not everyone gives when they have taken. Not everyone cares when you are screaming for moment of their time. Sometimes you can only get the bare minimum no matter how much you have given. I hate this about myself. I used to love this about me but no, it is a negative. It is bad. People will abandon you in your times of need. They will close their ears and eyes to your pain. They don' care how low you grovel... you just aren't there to them.
My only conclusion is that I am defective. I am invisible. I don't know how or why this is true but it is. How do you deal with this conclusion? How do you continue to wake up and get out of bed everyday? Your kids (If you are lucky enough to have them)WILL grow up and they WILL go off on their own and you WILL be left with you.. just you. Is this a woman's mid-life crisis? If it is it SUCKS. So far anyway. I am tired of graveling and having no pride just to attempt to be seen. I don't want to beg or plead or buy companionship. I just want to be seen, accepted and loved for all I am. Good and bad. Is this really so much to ask? It seems so. Ah, I hear a song...
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...


Later My Lovelies....

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Whew!! Been moving for the past 13 days. On top of that have been doing it with a kidney infection and through two birthdays! So needless to say I have fallen behind here. On the bright side, if the Salvation Army shows up tomorrow and actually takes the stuff on the porch then we will be ALL MOVED OUT!! I have tons to start doing here but trying to take care of one place while trying to move out of another has been beyond stressful. So glad if just might be over!! Now I might be able to focus on getting healthier and finding work. Anyway, just wanted to update my one or two followers!!

Love and Books!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Books, books, books....

I am a book lover. Books have gotten me through a life of turmoil and destruction. When I was very young I would curl up in the bath tub and read. I grew up in a violent home with a lot of screaming, fighting, verbal and physical abuse, gambling addiction and alcoholism. Reading and drawing were my escape from it all. And old movies. I really loved old cheesy movies. Anyway, I still read to escape. All the new fancy ways to read a book don't interest me in the least. I want a real paper book in my hands. I want to smell it and hear the crunch when you first open it up. I want it to fit in my purse and my glove box. I want to see everything I have read. Sometimes I just want to stare at them all and bask in all the people and places I have met and gone. It's lovely.

So now I suppose I should begin writing about some of the books I have read and share why they were or were not special for me. So that is the goal. Now you know. Be prepared because I love a book for it's ability to take me away and for the many ways I can relate to the characters. In other words, you may not feel the same because you may not judge a book for the same characteristics as myself. Feel free to let me know what YOU got out of it, if anything. Debate can be fun!!

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Don't be a sheep...

I refuse to be a sheep in a herd following masked leaders. I refuse to follow anyone. You may walk beside me but not ahead as I will not follow you. I will not lie to myself and believe that you are all that you claim to be as I know otherwise and in that I know the truth and the truth is never very pretty but it is true. In this life we must face who we are, what we have done and what we are capable of doing. Judgement that doesn't include our own acts is untrustworthy. It is vile. It is not worthy. We should relate rather then judge. Judgement comes easily and is the road most taken but relating and admitting our own wrongful moments is a truth. Be proud of you. Embrace your wrongs and rights. Stop wearing the mask and leading the heard. It's ugly. Do not follow. Walk beside. You are beautiful just being you. Being true. Even if you are alone you are a rarity. A truth.


I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I'm not absolutely sure of anything, and many things I don't know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we're here, and what the question might mean. I might think about it a little bit, but if I can't figure it out, then I go on to something else. But I don't have to know an answer.... I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in the mysterious universe without having any purpose, which is the way it really is, as far as I can tell, possibly. It doesn't frighten me. ~Richard Phillips Feynman


Conviction "There is a certain strong sense of inner conviction that strikes, with a pang as that of birth, through the very soul, and which is experienced but once or twice in a lifetime."-E.M. Delafield, 1923

Sometimes we don't know why we know, but we know - we just KNOW. We recognize truth when we see it, for whatever reason. Maybe it's like "love at first sight," an instant recognition of a kindred spirit, or an epiphany that comes just when it's needed. We don't need to question, because in our heart we feel it. -Lissa Coffey


bane (bn)
1. Fatal injury or ruin: "Hath some fond lover tic'd thee to thy bane?" (George Herbert).
a. A cause of harm, ruin, or death: "Obedience,/Bane of all genius, virtue, freedom, truth,/Makes slaves of men" (Percy Bysshe Shelley).
b. A source of persistent annoyance or exasperation: "The spellings of foreign names are often the bane of busy copy editors" (Norm Goldstein).
3. A deadly poison.


Saturday, July 26, 2008

OMG I am soooo tired!

I may just lay down and die. Seriously. Chronic pain is a real ass kicker! I took my daughter to Comic Con on Thursday and the swag bag just destroyed my back. It's Saturday and I am still in so much pain it hurts to hold my head up. My ankles hurt. My life hurts. This year has been a serious downer. I have run out of money, haven't even been able to get an interview for a job since December. Gas is killing me and my daughter is now a driver. That means more gas. I haven't heard anything about my SSI claim and this month is the first month in 11 years I have not paid one of my bills. At 41 I should have seen something, gone somewhere and built something. Instead I am in the same place I was at 21 except my body is broken and my soul is a shambles. I wanted to have achieved so much more at this point. I suppose if I had had some family to lean on it might have turned out a bit better but I don't. My parents are a bigger mess then myself. I have however brought up two amazing kids. They are my only two accomplishments I am proud of. Of course I understand what a huge feat that is in itself but it has come with a lot of sacrafice. To be home to care for them hs meant that I have hardly any employment background. No real schooling and no one pays for life experience. I can't even afford to file bankruptcy. Which is my next option. It isn't a pretty one but I am drowning in debt. I probably should have done it months ago but I have held on to the hope of finding work that won't further injure me or for my SSI to come through. So far neither has happened. Depression bites me all the time now and my anxiety has hit new heights. When I was younger and homeless (2 1/2 years of homelessness) I remember feeling this way. Like there is no way out. I made it through that some how but I am not a strong as I was then and I didn't have 2 kids to care for. Oh how I wish the universe would throw me a big ole' bone!!!

Monday, July 07, 2008

Seriously.... Are there any nice people left?

Well this last month has really sucked. I mean sucked the big hairy sweaty one. I am drowning in a cesspool of mean, self-absored, controling people and I can't seem to swim my way out no matter how hard I dog paddle. Every time I disconnect from one of these people another one enters my space within days. Even the moderator of my local "for sale" group is a freak of meanness. I bet she's a Pisces too like the other couple of mean ass woman invading my life right now. Being a woman is hard enough. Hating woman is even harder since we don't live in a society where a woman can be friends with a man without taking shit from people. So whats a girl to do? I'm tired of either being alone or fighting for my right to be me. I mean I am a really decent human. I would actually give the shirt off my back to another human being if they needed it. I WOULD take a bullet for a stranger. I actually care about you and what happens to you. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I must be a dying breed because I can't find anyone to conncet with that isn't out to drain me dry or drag me through the mud. Even my parents are warped humans. I mean really fucked up people. WHAT THE FUCK? I am losing my faith in humanity and it's abilities to survive this way. If everyone just wants to take and abuse this place won't last much longer. Well the planet might but the human race is going to destroy itself soon. Maybe it will happen before we have totally destroyed this planets ability to heal itself. Fuuuckk.

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Lunchbox Diet

Who has heard of this? They claim Cameron Diez is on it. Anyone else tried it? Let me know if you have!

Click here to view more details

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Wow!! 31/2 years since my last blog.

Sadly, the only thing that has changed is I have no job now. It seems that in this "new age" a 40 year old woman has nothing to offer. 95% of all applications are to be filled out and sent online. No one cares who you are or if you have integrity and drive. Instead of asking for an actual birth date (which I believe is illegal) they ask for the date you graduated high school. Either way, they know. Back in the day my only obstacle to finding a job was moving my ass. I got every job I applied for. I did however have to deal with my supervisors assuming that I would be the first to quit because I was "blonde and pretty" (this is an actual quote). THAT I could overcome. I did what I do... I worked my arse off and showed them this girl isn't scared to get her hands dirty. But now. How do you overcome your age? How do you overcome a lack of education? I'd go back to school but I need a job, to make money.... now. If I had the time and resources to go to school right now that would be what I was doing. However, I don't. I just NEED to work. Sadly, when you work at home for 5 years it does not look good on your application. An independent contractor has no one to refer the employers too. At least in my case I don't. I have never flt so pathetic as I do right now. Seriously. I wish this was something I could share with my significant other but he is incapable of listening or hearing. He is of the cloth that if you share any negative issues you are dealing with then you are somehow accusing him of not doing enough. Piling pressure on HIS shoulders. There is NO sharing. Just holding it in so HE won't suffer. What the hell??? I have never understood how it is one persons responsibility to carry the entire emotional load. It should be possible to share it with out it becoming an even bigger issue then the original one. I just have really really horrible luck with men. Horrible. OMG my life is retreating instead of moving forward. What have I done? Or better yet... what will I do?

Just an addition: Yes, I have used the many online job search engines. I have filed over 40 applications in the last 6 weeks. Some even reject you 5 minutes after you spend an hour going through their application "process". Like get this.... Toys R Us. Just today. Now tell me that is not pathetic.

Saturday, October 16, 2004


Ahh so it's another saturday almost gone. I didn't get any work at all done today. I'm really going to regret it in the morning. There isn't much to write about... Paul and I fought (big surprise), went to Pauma and I gambled more then half my account balance away (again, big shock), came home and watched Day After Tomorrow. The kittens have finally settled down and Ryann didn't call from her dads today. I hope that means she is having a good time. So I guess it's off to bed soon so I can get up in the morn and start building me some safe locks!!! Yee friggin' haw!!!
Peace out ya'all