Monday, June 14, 2010

Shhhhh,don't tell anyone....

Today has been one of those days where at the end of it... I just want to die.
It starts out with my mother and her friend making noise all night. Slumber party, girly annoying loud noise. On top of this this friend hates me. So I have a woman in my home who hates me keeping the entire house awake all night.
Then I wake and before I even get a chance to start the coffee maker my mom walks in with "her" and all this crap they bought at Wal-Mart. They do that. Middle of the night runs to Wal-Mart. Anyway,I was in NO mood to speak to anyone so I went back in my room and hide for a few hours. Then I go get the mail and there is paperwork from the courts from Capital One. Lovely. P calls to tell me the Payroll girl "forgot" to DO payroll and his check will be late. So I go for a run on the treadmill that I haven't had access to in almost two years (My mom told P he could put it in the other living room so he did it yesterday) and when I am done my mom proceeds to tell me she wants to put a couch in there or she wants a reduction on her share of rent (which she knows we can't afford). It's as if to see me do something that brings me some peace and is healthy for me is just too much for her. As if all this is not enough, P comes home and yells at me for telling him the treadmill story. Then a few hours later I go in the bathroom and use it (lol) and when I flush a bottle of skin stuff falls off the shelf and proceeds to go down the toilette drain. P gets madder at me and we go to Wal-Mart to get parts to take the toilette apart. In Wal-Mart he gets all depressed and angry and talks how HIS life sucks (he should walk in my shoes for a few days)and he wants to die. P has tried to kill himself twice. So imagine THIS new pile of anxiety to carry. Now there is just 1 more hour left of this hideous day. Please let it be pain free. I can not take anymore today.
With all this my EDD Disability ends in two weeks and I have to use half of the last check to pay to see the Dr in the hope that she will continue my disability (which I really need because quite frankly... I am sick). My appeal to EDD from my unemployment case is Thursday, P's tags are due, mine are almost due, both cars need smogs, Ryann's 18Th birthday is in a week and I am flat friggen broke. All my bankruptcy money is gone again and the tunnel just gets darker and darker my friend. I have investigated every possible way to get therapy for free or low cost including churches (THIS is a true testament to my need and my willingness to get help)and well, there is no help anymore. No funding for mental health in California. Nada. Nothing. When the Catholic church turns you away you know shit is BAD.
So there it is my pretties. Why I kinda want to die. Feels good to get it all out and not get yelled at.
Sleep tight. <3


Books and Bane said...

P's a good guy but let's face it... him and I both are THIS CLOSE to total break down. I mean separately and together. People can only take so much that life dishes out. After awhile it stops making you stronger and starts to just destroy your soul. I believe we are both at that point. And yes, I am aware that there are horrible things we could be going through that we are lucky enough not to be but that doesn't make all the crap we are going through any lighter. It's still a heavier load than we can carry anymore.

A Musing Mother said...

Some days are just like that. Remember, it's always darkest before dawn and all that crap.

Vampires and Tofu said...

Just letting you know that you won an award over at my blog =)